“Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be. Be one”
Marcus Aurelius (Roman Emperor 161 – 180)
December 6 is when we remember the massacre of 14 young women in a Montreal classroom on that date in 1989. These students, who aspired to be engineers, were murdered because of their gender. It was a crime that shocked our nation to its core. Afterwards, there were reports of young men taunting women in public by pointing their fingers at them in a shooting gesture.
Violence by men against women is epidemic in Canada and a great many other countries. We need to understand the reasons why some men inflict physical, emotional and sexual violence on women, women they may know and often claim to love.
As a result of the Montreal massacre, men came together to create the White Ribbon Campaign (www.whiteribbon.ca ) which became the first organization in Canada (and the world) to enlist men and boys to pledge to never commit or condone acts of violence against women or girls. Members also work to educate men and boys to advocate for a healthy non-violent masculinity.
At the time of the Montreal massacre, I was a Dad to an eight year old daughter and a five year old son. I was concerned for the kind of world my children would grow up to inherit – one where women feared for their safety and some men struggled to understand how to foster respectful and loving relationships with women.
I was one of about a dozen men in Sarnia who formed a local chapter of the White Ribbon Campaign. In the 1990’s we did much to raise awareness, participating in vigils and public events, organizing workshops for teachers and speaking at schools and other events. Eventually our local campaign ended after the parent organization began to focus more on international growth rather than on the difficult task of coordinating local chapters.
The issue of gender violence is complex. While I do not pretend to be any type of expert, one question I have thought about a lot is how can boys develop a healthy understanding of masculinity? The word “masculinity” is a loaded one. Perhaps, in the words of Marcus Aurelius, “waste no more time arguing what a good man should be. Be one.”, by demonstration and modelling we can help boys and young men discover their own unique human potential and just be “good men”.
Marcus Aurelius was a second century philosopher and as Emperor of the Roman Empire he was the most powerful man in the world. His impressive statue in Rome is testament to the love and respect he was and still is accorded. Unlike other corrupt and tyrannical Emperors, Marcus is remembered for his courageous ethical leadership, sense of justice and fairness, compassion and wisdom.
In the fictional movie, “Gladiator II” Marcus Aurelius’ grandson Lucius is portrayed as a skilled and ruthless gladiator – a “superstar” of the era. In truth, however, gladiators had no special status and their feats were treated simply as “entertainment”. They were usually slaves who were considered expendable.
Lucius’ grandfather was not a fan of this “entertainment” and attended the Colosseum only from a sense of public duty. We remember Marcus today by his personal reflections, discovered after his death, and later published as “Meditations”. They are a guide on how to live a principled and meaningful life. If only we could encourage boys to see Marcus Aurelius as a positive male role model instead of gladiators and other overly muscular and violent “heroes” churned out by the movie industry.
Most boys grow up feeling inadequate in some way. I know that I did. Boys can experience fear and shame when failing to meet the rigid expectations of what it means “to be a man” in our culture. The suppression of their natural tendencies to be kind, considerate, empathetic, and compassionate, to be able to shed some tears when they are sad, can and often does lead to frustration and unhappiness. Adopting the expectations of a patriarchal society that treats women as inferior, can also sow the seeds of violence.
Research shows that the more acutely men suffer feelings of inadequacy the more likely they are to commit almost every type of violent act, including intimate partner violence, sexual assault and assault with a weapon. They are also more likely to take part in risky behaviours including drug and alcohol abuse.
What can we do? Most importantly boys need positive role models. Dads and others (Big Brothers, teachers, sports coaches etc.) can both model respectful relationships and encourage boys to be free from society’s destructive expectations of what it means to “be a man.” We can give boys permission to discover who they truly are. To become “fully human”, embodying the principles of being truthful and honest, courageous and strong while respecting the worth and dignity of others. And that includes learning that women deserve to have the same rights and freedoms as men, including freedom from violence.
Inequality in a relationship does not always lead to emotional, physical or sexual violence but it increases the likelihood. Gender equality and mutual respect is the key to loving and healthy relationships, recognizing that men and women have individual strengths and weaknesses, talents and needs. It does not mean that in a marriage all the day-to-day responsibilities need to be divided equally: they can be divided fairly based on mutual agreement.
The path to a happy and meaningful relationship is a choice for every man to make. It begins with men stepping up to be allies of women, to confront sexism, misogyny and violence. It requires the courage to consciously reject the misogynistic messaging rampant on social media’s “manosphere” and in other aspects of our society. Accepting a woman as an equal partner in life is an essential step to becoming a “good man”. Some men may accuse me of being a member of the “Radical Left” but in truth I am just a man who is simply trying to be a decent human being, honouring the values that were taught to me as a boy.
Allan McKeown is a husband, father of two and grandfather of three children.